I should be excited about my first upcoming release May 10th, and yet I’m having this melancholy moment. It’s hit me that this is the first time my mother won’t see me accomplish something I’ve worked for and dreamed of. It’s rather funny how it came about, I wasn’t planning on publishing, didn’t have my heart set on it, but when challenged to apply myself…how was I supposed to ignore the opportunity to grow into something profound?
I find myself thinking what traits do I have of my mother? I was adopted…but I’m more like her than I realized. I’m also my own quirky type of woman.
Today I spoke in a reply on unspoken words. My mother she provided for me and my brothers and step sisters well. She wasn’t overly emotional; we didn’t speak of personal things most definitely not about sex… She didn’t praise what she expected should just be. Punishments consisted of yard work followed by page upon page of writing from the dictionary, or Britannica, whichever suited her mood.
So growing up I assumed she didn’t think much of what I’d done. I mistook her absence for not giving a damn. And it wasn’t until two years after her death that I found I’d grossly misjudged her and did her a huge disservice.
I’m what you can say allergic to sedation. It takes a few concoctions to rouse me. So imagine my surprise when right as I’m about to go under the CRNA says don’t you worry, I’m going to take good care of you as your mother did me. Confused, I asked for her to explain.
You see all these years I thought my mother never spoke of me. She did in spades. Proof 300 miles away from home was woman who told named everything I’d done that my mother was proud of. She might not have told me but she told her clients.
The people who needed help but couldn’t afford therapy, or had no insurance. For years she bartered for services, not wanting to hurt pride or offer hand outs. Things clicked, the fence in the back yard, the new roof, our house being painted. Small things through the years, I’d always wondered how she found time to do. She helped people and all I could see was where were you, why didn’t you care? It wasn’t that she didn’t care. She cared for others who needed her more than I did, but made sure they knew how important I was to them. I learned all of this in under ten minutes as they put the mask on my face to knock me out. I gained a new perspective on life and communication, relationships and finally closure. I hope I’m one day like she was. It’s no surprise I dedicated Embrace The Moment to her and a host of other important people in my life.
Silent Harmony ~Unspoken words are the loudest if you open yourself up to receive them. They don’t need to be spoken at all. ~